When gardening conflicts with social exercise

I found this draft here from June 2012 and found it complete enough to make a point. It reminded me of why I stopped blogging and gardening. More on that at the end of the article. 

I have been having a lot of fun in my gardening adventures so far.  I recall thinking last January that the reason I didn't do more gardening the previous summer was that my new job drained me of any off-time energy.  Then I started the running clinic again this year and remembered that I just didn't have time to garden.  Spending two evenings a week away from a brand new garden is taxing when you look at the sunlight lost.  In addition to the running clinic, I also volunteered for my work's bicycle team for the Tour de Rock.  There went my Saturday mornings along with more weeknights for bike workouts.  Thus March, April, and May found me with very little time for gardening (or writing).  I managed to make time for watering garden and lawn in the mornings so that when I could dedicate evening time again, the plants would still be alive and not completely choked with weeds.

I will not be so quick to volunteer for group events next year.  It's not just the time investment that bothers me.  What really bothers me about volunteering is that my passions and talents were not aligned best with how I was spending my free time.  I volunteered for the running clinic this year as a group leader because I really enjoyed it last year as a participant.  I volunteered for the bike race team because I just bought a new bike and wanted to see what it was like to ride with other bikers.  I'm not much of a pack member.  I would describe myself as more of a lone explorer, not because I don't like people, but because I tend to wander off on my own rather than be led down a path by someone else.  

This Saturday is the big bike race.  Next week I have to travel for work (grr...).  Then I can stop pining away over what I might do with my time and start taking action.  For the moment, I have some time to contemplate the big picture of why I want so desperately to succeed in my gardening endeavors.

Well here it is November 2014 and I have not gardened since I wrote that article. After my business trip, work became so stressful that I had to find another employer. My new workplace is much better, but I did not learn my lesson here and joined a gym and signed up for personal training (contracts are evil).  Then I got pregnant and had a baby. While I was pregnant I became obsessed with early retirement. What I learned has changed my perspective on everything   So between parenthood and a financial epiphany, my priorities have changed. Eventually I will garden again, but it is not my main focus now. 

Digging as a Philosophy

I ate my first homegrown tomato (beefsteak) last week and I have been craving more.  I managed to get 2 more tomatoes since then and one more very close to ripe, but after that there are no more.  That's what I get for only having one tomato plant.

First tomato! What it lacks in size, it makes up for in flavor.


I started digging another garden plot Saturday. However, I did not get very far despite spending a day digging. I found that the area of my yard where I decided to plant my garden is full of rocks. Big rocks. There were also lots of little rocks that seem like one big rock until I dug one after another. I would say that this particular area was 90% rock, 5% dirt, and 5% weeds.

My first shovel strike found this big rock.

The rocks take up most of the space of the hole I dug.


Since it took so long to dig around these rocks, it left me plenty of time to think about how much of a metaphor digging around giant rocks is.

You can only see what's on the surface. It's the same with icebergs: you can't see how deep that rock is until you've dug it up. There is no way to tell how long it will take to get around it. I come across problems like this in software programming all the time. What first appears to be a small problem slowly reveals itself to be a rather large immovable obstacle with no way around it. It simply takes patience and perseverance to keep digging around this obstacle until you find an edge you can use to leverage it out of the way. Trial and error is often the best approach here to narrow your choices of how the handle the obstacle.

Sometimes it seems there is one big rock, when in fact there are two or more. This can confuse things when you think you can go around it. The answer may be to explore the obstacle more to find the seams where it can be readily broken up into manageable pieces. Often when I find a rock cluster and liberate one from the ground, the others loosen easily.

Sometimes when tackling a problem, it seems easiest to blast through it all and break those big rocks. Sure, those rocks are in your way, but even obstacles may have value when handled with care. I found one rock that I finally had to lift out with a rock bar because my shovel couldn't budge it. That rock weighed about 30 pounds and was very big and round. It will look great somewhere in my landscape when I get done digging holes. If I had opted for a pickaxe to get the rock out, I would be left with a bunch of jagged rocks of non-impressive size. Dealing with a life problem by brute forcing through it may seem like a good idea at the time, but often the graceful approach is worth more in the long run since you not only deal with the problem, you learn from the experience. Knowing how to solve such a problem can be worth a lot to people who have been battling the same problem. One example would be someone who spanks their dog or child to make them obey (brute force). A kinder though slower approach to dealing with the unwanted behavior would be to learn what that dog or child wants and use that as a reward for good behavior along with practicing restraint so you can ignore the bad behavior. This will not be a fast or easy approach to achieving the goal of obedience, but you will gain not only obedience but also respect, friendship, and self improvement. You could market this skill of gentle discipline or just enjoy the benefits of your efforts.

I am still working on digging my new garden plot. I may wind up working on it all summer. It is hard work with no shortcuts, but when I am done, I will have the perfect space to put good earth and grow more vegetables. I'll also have plenty of rocks to line the garden bed.

Gardening at last!

I found a decent greenhouse at Sam's Club for only a hundred dollars.  I consider that a bargain for its size at 6' x 8' (1.8m x 2.4m) footprint with height enough to stand.  The really nice thing about the greenhouse was that it came in a nice little package that I could fit in my car.  I don't have a proper hauling vehicle, although my car gets the terrible gas mileage of one.  The greenhouse installed like a tent, including spikes to hold it down when the wind gets strong.

I repurposed the cardboard packaging into a raised garden bed inside the greenhouse.  The plot I am using is filled with rocks.  I dug down about a half foot for the base of the raised garden bad and sifted all the rocks out.  The first day I sifted dirt, I used my bare hands.  I found a lot of vibrant earthworms, but my hands were horribly dried out.  I left the greenhouse alone for about a week while I regained energy and cuticles.  The next time I sifted dirt, I used a shallow tub filled with water and a cheap colander.  I filled the colander with dry dirt, and dunked the colander in the tub.  After soaking it and swishing it around a while, I would be left with rocks and roots.  These I dumped outside the greenhouse.  Then I scooped up the dirt that sank to the bottom of the tub and put it in a container where I kept the sorted dirt.  I repeated this colander sifting process until I was thoroughly tired.  I still have dirt left to sift, but I had enough to mix in with my store-bought dirt.

I used the lasagna method to fill the garden bed once I set up the cardboard box.  I layered the bottom of the space with newspapers.  Then I put in a layer of really wet leaves that I composted over the winter.  Then I put in some store-bought garden dirt.  Then I put in some store-bought peat moss.  I put my hand sifted native dirt on top and repeated the layering with leaves, dirt, and peat moss.

Once I finished the garden bed, I planted seeds of baby carrots, beets, zucchini, and green onions.  I had about a 2' x 2' (0.6m x 0.6m) sized plot.  I had cut the greenhouse package in half, so I still have the other half to make another garden bed.  If the cardboard starts falling apart, I will shore it up with decorative stones.

I'm really glad I finally did this.  It took a lot of hard manual labor when I really didn't have much energy or willpower to go outside and do it.  Now at the very least, I can maintain this one garden bed and do what it takes to keep the plants alive and growing.  I realize that setting up a greenhouse at the dawn of a hot summer is not the best plan, but if I have to I can leave both doors open and hang a tarp over it to shade during the hottest part of the day.  I am really interested in finding either a solar fan or setting up a ridiculously overdone solar power grid to power a fan and misters.

After working with the greenhouse, I can see the real downer is that it has no screens.  It's either closed up and boiling hot, or open and filled with flying insects.  I have a roll of screen for fixing house window screens.  I'm thinking of McGyvering a removable screen door by combining the power of velcro and a hot glue gun.

Raw and Loving It

I took the plunge into a raw food diet last weekend.  I feel amazing!  I have so much energy and mental clarity.  I still had some chicken left over so while I started in on a bounty of raw fruits and veggies, I finished off the chicken I had left.  By Monday, I was all raw. I love this food!  Bananas, apples, clementines, blueberries, strawberries, spinach, spring mix lettuce, celery, carrots, lemons, avocados, sunflower seeds, and nuts make for a very energizing food supply.  I am also eating almonds which I've read are not technically raw, but I'm not focused so heavily on technicalities right now so much as answering the important question: is this a sustainable nutrition plan?

It does take a lot of time to prepare some of this food, but I get to snack on fruit while I chop and blend smoothies and salad dressing so it's not all bad.  I have no problems with exercise.  I'm fully energetic before, during, and after exercising.  Anytime I get hungry, I can eat as much fruit as I want.  I'm really enjoying my homemade guacamole.  It's also fun to show off my green smoothies at work because they look really gross yet taste delicious.

I already have to go back to Sam's Club (there's no Costco in Little Rock or I would shop there) for more bananas.  When I was there last time, I saw a very affordable greenhouse that would fit well in my garden and blackberry and raspberry bushes.  I want to get those soon, but I have to wait for March.  I have had to rearrange my budget to save up for a new hybrid car.  My Grand Am gets 18 miles to the gallon.  I almost cry every time I buy gas.  My car is the action car--I use it to haul bikes and dog across town to the park more than once a week.  My first car was a hatchback from the late 80's, and it went forever on a tank of gas.  I currently drive a big car because my last one was hit by a truck (with me in it!), and I developed a phobia of small cars.  I am over my fears because any car has the potential to be a death trap, but only smaller ones will save gas in the meantime.

Yay! Winter has arrived!

It has finally dropped below freezing for the past few nights, and there is a lot of talk about snow and ice tomorrow.  I am glad since it gives me the opportunity to trim my Crape Myrtle.  I did a soil test last weekend on the soil under my cold frame.  The dirt is severely low on nitrogen.  I'm not surprised since that part of my yard is mostly weeds.  Weeds like clover thrive in low nitrogen soil.  I'm going to mix in a bunch of crushed egg shells to help fertilize the soil before planting.

The cold did come surprisingly fast.  Lethargy has crept up on me along with the cold.  Bike riding was especially challenging.  I might have freezer burn on my scalp from yesterday's ride.  I wore a scarf over my face, but I had nothing to block the air from coming through the holes in the bike helmet.  Super-fast, concentrated cold air hurts!  Next time I will wear a bandanna under my helmet.

While I hide from the cold inside, I'll be brushing up on my computer skills.  I have developed an obsession with Python and Django since I started using them at work.  The Google app engine also favors these (as a Java alternative), so as I work with them at home, I do so with Google tools.

Every Goal is Daily

It doesn't matter how many times you have done something good.  Doing the right thing today is a conscious choice.  Making the same choice day after day is not always easy.  A choice becomes routine, then it becomes a part of life.  If something comes along later that makes you question why you do something a certain way, will you still remember the answer?  A lot of what people do on a regular basis is habit, either to build toward a goal or to pass the time.  Part of reaching a goal is remembering why that goal is necessary.  If you were trying to lose weight and became malnourished, then you would have to stop adjust your plans.

Sometimes while working to attain a goal, interruptions occur and throw us off track of sensible reasoning.  What seems feasible one minute may seem completely impossible the next due to some tiny detail that sticks out.  Often I have to reevaluate what I really want as I work toward a goal.  Working on improving my safety becomes irrelevant when it involves staying home and never doing anything exciting.  Maintaining a budget seems irrelevant when I can't pay off my debt.  I've created so many budgets in the past and given up on them because I wasn't making enough to cover my expenses let alone support my own creativity.  Watching my finances slip further into the red was not a fun thing to do, but attempting to manage them was still good practice.  Sometimes goals have the right idea behind them, but they aren't the right tool at the right time for creating the solution.  For example, all my budgeting was not going to pay off my student loan debt, but going back to college and finishing my degree has put me in a position that makes freedom from debt possible.  I made school harder than it had to be by focusing on the debt instead of what I really wanted.  Getting out of debt is not a goal, it's a side effect.  

This year, my goal is to grow food in my yard that I can eat.  I started planning this goal last year, and since then I have added on other mini-goals as bonuses.  I started following the Primal Blueprint which influences my food choices and stamina, encouraging the possibility and desire to garden.  Every time I do something that puts me noticeably closer to my goal, I get a new wave of excitement and energy to fuel me forward.  

Then there are times when my faith in the goal completion waivers.  My mental and physical energy lull and motivation seems rather pointless.  It is during these times that I have to remember what makes me happy.  I stop to analyze the routines in my life and look for the fun and the fulfillment in them.  I look back on what feels like tedium in repetitive actions and paint those memories in a good light for activities that have been rewarding and a dim light for those that were just time sinks.  By strengthening the perception of helpful occupations and intentionally forgetting useless pastimes, I can engineer my reflexes to react differently next time these opportunities come up.  This method has helped me to spend less time on computer gaming and more time on real successes.

If the monotony of repeating so much every day doesn't seem worth it to achieve a goal, try Polyphasic sleep and you will feel like you are only repeating daily activities once a week.

What happened to Winter?

I spent so much time bracing for a freezing winter that I can't believe it's almost February already.  We had snow in Little Rock in December, but I'm wondering if we are going to get any more this winter.  It's strange that I think of the 40's F as warm.  Strange...and wonderful.  I'm able to enjoy the outdoors out of sheer stubbornness by conditioning myself to run even in cold.  Fortunately for me, I don't have to try as hard as I would have last year.

According to weather news, it's warm because there's not enough precipitation to keep the ground cold.  If snow doesn't fall, then the ground isn't shielded from the sun's heat.  If the ground gets plenty of sun in the winter, then it stays warm enough to keep the atmosphere warm.  With a warm atmosphere, precipitation that would be snow is just rain.

I would like a couple weeks of thoroughly cold weather just so I can trim my Crape Myrtle without fear of bug infestation.  I also enjoy the challenge of walking my dog on icy streets.  I did that last year before we learned to walk cooperatively, and it was an adventure.  I have been putting off planting any seeds because I'm waiting for the "right time".  I admit this is folly simply because of the wide range of plants that thrive in different climates.  Spinach, for example, can be sown directly into snow.  One thing holding me back is an experience last year in which I planted some seeds in my yard and that same night, the state was inundated with mass flooding.  This year, I am taking my time and over planning rather than just making half-hearted attempts.

Cold Frame Construction

My cold frame arrived on Tuesday, but I hit a snag when trying to assemble it.  This particular cold frame is from the Palram brand, and just in case you find yourself buying one, I figured out a trick to operating their weird hardware.  The tip of the screw used for the aluminium parts looks like a drill bit.

I had a problem getting it all the way into the aluminium pieces of the door frame.  I had to use the screw to pre-drill all of those pieces because the slot was too tight for the tip.  I found that I could pry the slot wider by wedging it open with the screwdriver.

All slots need to have all the screws in all the way and taken out before trying to actually assemble anything.  

Take out the screw, and fit the side piece over the longer bar.  It helps if you start it at an angle, but you can also use pliers to pinch the wedged open bar back to its original shape.  Now you can put the screw in and leave it there.  It won't be falling apart.  

Here's the finished product.  I put it next to a tree since the cold weather plants inside the cold frame can have extra shade during the summer.  

At last, I was done, and glad of it.  My hand now has a couple extra blisters from operating the manual screwdriver.  The power drill did nothing because it automatically stops when the pressure gets too high.  This was a construction of pure brute strength, along with a little bending of parts.  When I was done, I was left with a big cardboard box to dispose of.

It seemed a waste to just throw it away, so instead I am using it to break down the grass and leaves under the cold frame outside.  I cut it into four pieces and put a piece in each corner of the cold frame.  Later I can use it for mulch by ripping it up some more and putting it on the ground around stems to keep moisture in and weeds out.  

Getting into the primal groove

I am finally starting to get a hang of this home cooking diet.  My body wants food more than it wants to sit around and watch television.  I don't feel like cooking and cleaning is as much of a chore because the reward is worth it.  I feel compelled to cook.  I don't have to force this action on myself as much as when I started.

My frugality has resurfaced as well, due to the massive amounts of lettuce I go through.  It's no longer worthwhile to get the pre-washed, pre-cut salad greens any more.  I stock up on raw, unprocessed ingredients.  Washing and cutting don't seem like a time sink now that I enjoy my time spent cooking.  I go to the grocery store more often because fresh veggies takes up a lot of space, but I eat a lot of them.  Going through greens so fast is motivating me to push up my gardening plans by starting out with a cold frame, a mini greenhouse that will let me cultivate spinach, cabbage, and lots of other staples.

I was thinking about building a cold frame, but after comparing the price of materials and a prebuilt cold frame, I will go ahead and order one online.  I really want to kick myself for not buying one when I saw it at the hardware store last summer.  I convinced myself that since I was there to buy a not-so-cheap shed, that all other expenses could wait.  Unfortunately, waiting caused me to lose out on a perfectly good deal.  The cold frame I plan to order is a double wide, though, so the extra expense is more like I'm buying two at once.

Winter + Illness < Motivation + Resolve

After baking through a 102F fever for 3 days, I found motivation a little hard to find.  What a great time to get into the early release of Star Wars: The Old Republic mmo.  Yes, I took it easy on the weekend and did nothing that required motivation.  As the new year closes in, I'm reminded of my gardening goal in 2012.  Nothing is going to keep me back from that.  I'm going to grow vegetables and possibly fruit and eat it.  New Years is my favorite time of year because I like making big resolutions and planning out how I might achieve them.

This year I have a budget in my favor.  I've been working like a dog trying to keep tabs on my spending, and so far I have been successful.  Budgeting takes practice and creativity.  As much as I want to garden this year, my ultimate goal is to pay off my student loans.  That is a goal that will take longer than one year.  In fact, it will take 2 years, and it should be paid off no later than the end of 2013.  My loans were not small, but they weren't Ivy League huge either.  Every semester of college was funded almost entirely through loans.  I could easily pay them off slowly over 20 years, but I despise debt so I am paying them off in 2 years, hence my shoestring budget.  Being able to build up a functioning garden while scraping by on half my income is a feat of strength which keeps motivation in mind and keeps my chin up.  Even if I fail at growing edible food, I will have less debt when I start over with growing a garden.

Solstice Blues and Spring Dreams

Around the winter solstice, my home is always in the dark when I'm there during the week.  I wake up in the dark, I come home and it's dark.  Even on the weekend, I wake up in the dark because getting up at 5am is not something that just stops because it's a different day, especially when my OCD cat decides I should not miss her morning attention time.  I'd like to believe that waking up with the sun is the way to go, but then I think about all the stuff I can get done that doesn't depend on sunlight.  I used to sleep in all the time, but I find that I enjoy my morning time because I have both energy and solitude, qualities that help me finish tasks I've been procrastinating.  

What really gets me down after a while is the fact that all my winter daytime hours are spent in a windowless office at work.  I can get things done outside during winter, but what keeps me inside all the time is the complete lack of light in my yard.  The past few weekends have been cloudy, rainy, and freezing.  The weekend is the only time I can refill my quota of sunshine.  

While I dream of having more sunshine, I spend a lot of time designing my greenhouse.  I want to build it myself from basic parts so that for the price of a small prebuilt kit, I can build a bigger greenhouse with my own custom tweaks.  I've done the same thing building computers from parts.  I prefer building my own computer to buying a store model because I can spend very little on basic parts so that I can splurge on things like video cards.  So far my greenhouse design process involves going to the Home Depot and Lowes websites and pricing materials I can use.  I thought at first about building a hoop house, but after comparing prices to a more sturdy structure, I think I can build a more permanent structure and have more fun with the engineering of it.  I found a clear polycarbonate roofing panel which would allow plenty of light into the top.  Poster sized acrylic sheets are available in a 12 pack which would be enough to provide windows around all sides.  I could frame them in with wooden posts and line the bottom half of the greenhouse with plywood.  Then it's just a matter of finding the right parts to piece it all together, and laying a foundation.  The location is on a slight slope, but I plan on having a sloped roof anyway so I see the shape of the building as a parallelogram.  The greenhouse will be housing big terracotta pots and raised garden beds.  

Ultimately, I would like to add a heater so that I can operate a garden year round, but I'm not ready to add electric devices to the picture just yet.  My goal is to keep my garden area off the grid by using all renewable energy generated in my own yard.  If I can't make the power myself, then I don't use electricity.  I understand it would be easy to just have an electrician run a wire from my house to power the area, but I've always been interested in off-grid living.  Finding a way to power an urban farm solely on renewable energy fulfills a greater purpose for me than just growing food on grid power.  Enough dreaming for now, I've got sunlight to enjoy!

10 Reasons I Garden

1. Having something to do outside keeps me from wasting the day away inside.

2. Gardening is good exercise.

3. I feel a spiritual connection with the earth by working with it instead of just existing on it.

4. It's fun to experience the full seasonal cycle of the year.

5. I create something from nothing by multiplying what I sow. In fact I can even make use of once useless kitchen scraps by composting.

6. I get to eat what I grow.

7. I can see the whole lifespan of my food. I know what went into it so I know what I'm putting into my body.

8. I can grow vegetables I can't find in the grocery store.

9. Extra food can either be canned for later, sold, or donated.

10. Gardening provides useful survival skills. It's nice to know if I were left in the wilderness, I could cultivate food instead of just wander and starve. Also, I'd rather not resort to eating ants. :)

Winter planning

Every year I want to plant a garden.  Every year I start too late and wonder why nothing produces.  I am an expert at creating excuses for not going outside.  Too hot. Too cold.  Mosquitoes.  Getting used to a 40 hour work week (after spending 3 months between graduation and employment leisurely enjoying my own schedule).

By the time Fall comes around, I wonder where the time went.  My favorite time to go outside is when it's not too hot or too cold, so Spring and Fall.  Getting a job was extremely important this past Spring, but I had recovered my energy by Fall and felt like starting a garden again.  Of course, that wouldn't work because Winter is just around the corner.  However, I can still use the drive to take action to give me the energy to learn about what action I can take and when to take it.  My birthday is in September so I asked for big terracotta pots.  Container gardening is much more viable in my yard.  I have sandy soil and am downhill from my neighbors which is a disaster in April rains.  I have read a lot online about urban farming, but I wanted more detail.  I bought Urban Farming by Thomas Fox.  I really enjoy that book because not only does it tell how to backyard farm, it gives compelling reasons why backyard farming is the right thing to do.  The scope goes far beyond trying to save money on tomatoes.  It feels more like a revolution.

Given that this is the holiday season traveling to visit family is inevitable for me this time of year, I have decided to hold off on gardening action until January.  Until then I can budget my time and resources and plan for action.  I've got a head start on the terracotta pots.  I don't want to start using them until after the freeze so they don't break.  I plan on building raised garden beds out of wood in January.  February would be a good time to start seeds indoors.  In between now and then, I have plenty of time to pack my brain full of ideas on what do grow and how to grow it.

Is your backyard working for you?

When my husband and I decided to go house hunting, my first priority was the gardening potential of the yard. I had lived in apartments for several years before we bought our house. Not only did I lack yard space, but I did not even live in the same place for more than a year. I was so excited to be getting a sizable yard with plenty of growing potential. I was happy to just maintain the plants that were already established since my initial focus was to finish my degree and find a desk job.

Once I found a job, I made a budget to pay off my student loans at a vigorous pace. While my husband had supported me in school, I didn't worry about finances because school was stressful enough. Once I started getting a paycheck, my self-reliance kicked in and I wanted to hold up my end of expenses while improving the efficiency of my budget. I started getting frugal. I started going without things I didn't see as neccesary to surviving. Mowing the lawn, for example seems like such a waste of energy for the reward of...looking nice? I would rather have food and keep some grocery money in my pocket. Besides, I consider fruit and vegetable plants far more aesthetically pleasing than a field of unused green.

My first garden project was growing a tomato plant in a topsy turvey planter. The whole reason I planted it was because I didn't like paying $2 for a tomato at the grocery store.

Unfortunately, I didn't give my plant quite the attention it needed. It didn't produce any fruit, though I didn't expect any the first year. I would have been overjoyed just to have it survive the blazing hot summer and my overgrown Shepard/Rottie pup. I had thought I trained him not to chew on the plant, but I noticed one day that half the plant was gone. I started to get mad at the dog, but then I saw the great big Tobacco Horn Worm (pictured in their plastic prison).

After dispatching the worm twins, I made a commitment to myself that I would put in a whole hearted effort to grow food in my yard in 2012. I am intrigued by the Primal Blueprint. I have tried vegan in the past, but the only thing that concerns me about meat is the toxins poured into animals by Big Agra. I found also that I can't sustain a vegan diet on a low budget and keep my energy level up high enough to want to continue trying. I've looked up my city ordinance and found that I can keep hens and rabbits.

I find this path as the challenge I have been craving my whole life. I spent the last decade wasting this drive on video games which crumbled my creativity, zest for life, and health to dust. I used to spend so much time wanting to live virtually that I forgot how amazing it feels to actually live my life and how empowering self-sufficiency can be.

Now is the time to test myself and see if I can truly survive what the future brings. Urban farming seems the most sensible way to spend my free time and creativity. Neccesity is the mother of invention. If I could create methods of running a backyard farm that I could sustain for many years, is humane, and good for the earth, then that knowledge is worth all the hardship of trying. And since I'm impatient, I'll be doing this while holding down a day job to pay off my existing debt.