The Future is a harsh mistress

Living for the future is a good way to be let down.  I once paid for a used car in five months.  I worked two jobs simultaneously for a month to save up for the down payment and averaged four hours of sleep per night that whole month.  One job was pizza delivery, and the other was a waitress on the graveyard shift at a Denny's.  I enjoyed my day job, but my car was falling apart.  I took the waitress job thinking I would be working a couple nights a week.  The manager started scheduling me full time as soon as I was trained.  That job really sucked the life out of me.  There was one night about three weeks in where I wanted to walk out, but I was too tired to walk home and I didn't have my car that night.  As soon as I bought a replacement car, I quit that job.  After I finished paying for my car, I took a promotion to assistant manager at the pizza joint.  This promotion involved a huge pay cut since I wasn't getting tips anymore from delivery.  I went from laying down lots of money on a new lemon and still having extra cash to spend to having no car payment and no extra money.

I hurried to pay for that car because I wanted my budget clear to go back to college.  I didn't want any debt to weigh down my conscience when I needed all my will to finish school.  Eventually I got enough from loans and scholarships to quit working and just focus on school.  Then I got hit by a truck...so I'm told.  When making a left turn, I was rear ended by a truck whose driver fell asleep.  I hit my head, lost a lot of blood, and lost all memory of the incident.  All I got as proof were a few pictures of a car with a body half the length of the one I bought and the frame sticking out from the bottom.  My plan to take care of my future was dashed in an instant.  My so-called friends would not give me rides to get a new job or to go to the university in the next town over.  I realized that I had placed the bulk of my faith in material investments and shallow people.  I was sorely depressed for a long time.  I finally moved away for a long while just to get a clean break from loser friends and unemployment.

The point of my story is that the future cannot be reliably planned.  I often find myself easily convinced that if I work really hard, I can get ahead of my debt and be free.  When I fall into this mentality, I find that I'm far more easily stressed because every tiny thing that clashes with my well laid plans causes my dream future to get further and further away.  I'm tired of chasing carrots dangling from sticks.  Am I going to curl up in the fetal position until the big mean future goes away?  No, I've tried that a few times and can honestly tell you that it doesn't work.  Instead I'm going to use what I actually have: now.  I have now, and the future is just a shadow being cast by the past as the present shines through it.  Though the past is unchanging, it is not written in stone.  The past is the amalgamation of memories that we choose to keep alive.  These memories feed on energy that we give it in the now.  All energy lives in the now.  Now is the only time you have to change your life or even to take action to keep it the same.

I calculated how long it would take to pay back my student loans at what I would consider a minimum payment.  The answer is eight years.  That's not as bad as I thought it would be last year when I was breaking my brain trying to get the loans paid off in three years.  The truth is, I would be making a far better investment by keeping some of those funds for investment in my now than my later.  If it takes me three years to pay off my debt, but during that time I have to be bored out of my skull because I can't afford to have fun, then I will have freedom from debt but no will to use it wisely.  I would have only earned laziness in that time because that's all that boredom has to offer me.  Instead I will pay off my loans slowly but surely, and use the extra cash to try new things and keep learning and growing.  I believe more than anything that personal development is by far the most valuable investment anyone can make.

Already, I have lost 10 pounds without damaging my metabolism or my health.  I used to think that I would only ever have time or money but not both at once.  However, if I can reshape my own body for the better without breaking myself, then it seems to me that fixing my finances is not such a far fetched goal, either.  If I sacrifice all that I have to pay off debt, I might find freedom in a few years, but that doesn't mean that it won't be immediately replaced with another burden or misfortune.  I realize that this is a pessimistic way of looking at the future, but if my ultimate goal is happiness, then I should focus on learning to be happy instead of learning to be free of debt.  The debt will go away no matter what I do because I will still pay the bill.  What I really need to invest in is my creativity.  I have a feeling if my creative side is well nourished, the rest of me will be fine no matter what happens.

Improving my eyesight

My latest project is improving my nearsighted vision naturally.  Near-point stress--caused by overpowered glasses for the distance--is giving me headaches.  I came across a link about a kit that improves vision enough that glasses are no longer needed.  The kit was a total ripoff at $200, but there was enough teaser information to get the gist.  Some of it I knew already.  After some more Googling, I found the source of this trend: The Bates Method for Better Eyesight without Glasses.  This book was written in the 1920's, and its validity is questionable at best.  I would buy this book only because it may have some long, lost practical tips, and it comes with an eye chart for self tests.

The first tip was to do eye stretches everyday.  My Sivandanda Yoga book explains how to do those exercises.  Look up.  Look down.  Repeat several times.  Look left. Look right.  Repeat.  Look up and left.  Look down and right.  Repeat.  Look up and right.  Look down and left.  Repeat.  Then do several rounds of eye rolls as though you are watching someone on a Ferris wheel at the edge of your vision.  Repeat going the other way.  Don't forget to blink!  Finish off the stretching exercises by rubbing your palms together to warm up and cup them over your eyes for half a minute.  While your eyes are closed, pretend you are looking really far away on a really dark night.  This is a good exercise to break up the monotony of long hours of reading.

The other important piece of advice was to stop wearing my glasses when I don't need them.  I am near-sighted, and I have always worn my glasses at my computer.  If I don't wear my glasses, I have to hunch and get my face really close to the screen.  It finally occurred to me to zoom in on the programs I use.  I use Google Chrome browser and with that all I have to do is press Ctrl-+ a few times to be able to read from a comfortable position.  Ctrl-0 (that's 'zero;, not 'oh') returns the browser to normal if I need to use my glasses again.  I have to intentionally sit back far enough to keep the text right at fuzzy so that my eyes have to work a little at reading.  At first, blurred reading hurt my eyes, but with the font a little bigger, I don't have to squint and crouch as much, so I don't give up so easily and put my glasses back on.  I find now that I am less distracted when I read because I have to focus on such a narrow area to read.  My attention doesn't get stolen by every attractive keyword on the page.  I used my computer all day today with no headache because I did not use my glasses when reading the screen.  Usually I go home from work with a headache caused by prolonged near-point stress.

I have no idea if these exercises will do any good in the long run, but it has been nice relearning to use what natural vision I have left.  I don't believe that trying to read slightly blurry pages all day is any worse than wearing overpowered lenses at the computer for several hours straight.  If I can prevent my eyesight from getting any worse, then I will consider this experiment a success.  If my vision actually improves, I will be pleasantly surprised.  I might even spend ten dollars on the Bate's Method book.

Raw and Loving It

I took the plunge into a raw food diet last weekend.  I feel amazing!  I have so much energy and mental clarity.  I still had some chicken left over so while I started in on a bounty of raw fruits and veggies, I finished off the chicken I had left.  By Monday, I was all raw. I love this food!  Bananas, apples, clementines, blueberries, strawberries, spinach, spring mix lettuce, celery, carrots, lemons, avocados, sunflower seeds, and nuts make for a very energizing food supply.  I am also eating almonds which I've read are not technically raw, but I'm not focused so heavily on technicalities right now so much as answering the important question: is this a sustainable nutrition plan?

It does take a lot of time to prepare some of this food, but I get to snack on fruit while I chop and blend smoothies and salad dressing so it's not all bad.  I have no problems with exercise.  I'm fully energetic before, during, and after exercising.  Anytime I get hungry, I can eat as much fruit as I want.  I'm really enjoying my homemade guacamole.  It's also fun to show off my green smoothies at work because they look really gross yet taste delicious.

I already have to go back to Sam's Club (there's no Costco in Little Rock or I would shop there) for more bananas.  When I was there last time, I saw a very affordable greenhouse that would fit well in my garden and blackberry and raspberry bushes.  I want to get those soon, but I have to wait for March.  I have had to rearrange my budget to save up for a new hybrid car.  My Grand Am gets 18 miles to the gallon.  I almost cry every time I buy gas.  My car is the action car--I use it to haul bikes and dog across town to the park more than once a week.  My first car was a hatchback from the late 80's, and it went forever on a tank of gas.  I currently drive a big car because my last one was hit by a truck (with me in it!), and I developed a phobia of small cars.  I am over my fears because any car has the potential to be a death trap, but only smaller ones will save gas in the meantime.

For the last time - NO PIE!

I'm finally getting through to people that I don't like to eat the random sweet desserts at work.  Today there was a lot of pie left over from a big meeting.  Word made it into my hallway, but I did not even flinch (well I winced a little just because I'm so sick of the overabundance of empty calories).  Someone came into my office to tell me and stopped himself because he remembered that I can't/won't/don't eat that stuff.  Alas! I have discovered a benefit to dieting: no matter what diet you're on, if it's weird enough, people will stop trying to offer you anything.  If the diet is based only on calorie restriction, no one understands when you pass up dessert since it's not something offered every day.  But if you're one of those people with a taboo, everyone will be more afraid of offending you than trying to peer pressure you into eating junk food.

I once had a friend who loved saying, "Free food tastes better and is better for you."  I used to agree with him because I was in my senior year of high school at the time so I had many starving college years to ponder this phrase.  It's an alright mentality for someone who is scraping by and doesn't know if or when their next meal is coming.  I have outgrown this phase now.  I could continue to spend all my money on games, music, and electronics like I used to (fashion was never first pick on my spree list).  I could survive on rice and frozen pizza until my student loans are paid off.  That is how I survived paying down credit cards.  Instead, I chose to enlighten myself with the experiment of finding the best fit for my health.  I've discovered that being healthy is a lot more fun and relaxing than eating junk and always having indigestion or low energy.  Time will pass, bills will get paid, things will be bought, and good health can be gained along the way if I can find a way to make it enjoyable while keeping it affordable.  For me, dieting is far more about the self discipline gained in the process than about actual body image.  The feeling of true health is the reward.

Switching Gears...Nutritionally

Going primal was an eye opening experience.  I had to give up eating all grains and beans to make it work.  The easy part was eating meat.  It's very convenient to cook up a bird and eat it for the rest of the week.  The hard part was adjusting to hunger timing.  At first I thought I was giving up a great source of energy by giving up bread, but after I got through the initial week, I realized that the bread was using more energy than it was giving.  Bread is filling, and by using it as a staple, I measure hunger by how full my stomach is.  When I cut bread out of the diet equation, I had to use my energy level to determine my hunger.  The body processes meat, vegetables, and fruit much faster than grains and beans.  Also, when I eat primal, I can access the energy from food more readily.

When the Primal Blueprint worked for me, I thought that meant that vegetarian/vegan was not the answer.  Lately, I have been reading some about the raw food diet (since Steve Pavlina keeps talking about it on google+).  The parts I like about primal eating are also the strengths of the raw food diet: no grains and no beans--just lots of fruit and vegetables.  The thing that really intrigues me about the raw food diet is how it provides constant energy.  Ultimately, the holy grail I am searching for is a more steady energy flow that doesn't interfere with my ability work and live.

The down side to eating primal is I need lots of sleep.  Naps just don't cut it.  When I sleep, I'm out like a light for hours on end.  This would be fine if I could keep my energy and attention up all day, but after lunch, I get extremely tired.  While I may be awake, my attention span is shot.  I have been thinking lately about trying polyphasic sleep again since spring is here.  Polyphasic sleep is an excellent way to stretch out a season.  I tried polyphasic sleep last fall, but I had problems with dehydration which is exacerbated by the cold of winter.  One of the benefits of the raw food diet is that it would allow me to not need as much sleep.  In fact when reading about Pavlina's success with polyphasic sleep, he attributed a big chunk of sustainable energy to eating raw.

I realize that going raw means giving up meat and essentially becoming vegan, but I really can't put much stock in the vegan opposition until I've tried raw for myself.  I have talked about raising chickens and rabbits for food in previous posts, but I haven't invested in livestock yet.  So it seems there's no time like the present to try going meatless.  I can still get a garden rabbit to help improve my garden's soil.  I think the raw food diet is worth a shot because organic, ethically raised meat is extremely expensive, whether I raise it myself or buy it from someone else.

Yay! Winter has arrived!

It has finally dropped below freezing for the past few nights, and there is a lot of talk about snow and ice tomorrow.  I am glad since it gives me the opportunity to trim my Crape Myrtle.  I did a soil test last weekend on the soil under my cold frame.  The dirt is severely low on nitrogen.  I'm not surprised since that part of my yard is mostly weeds.  Weeds like clover thrive in low nitrogen soil.  I'm going to mix in a bunch of crushed egg shells to help fertilize the soil before planting.

The cold did come surprisingly fast.  Lethargy has crept up on me along with the cold.  Bike riding was especially challenging.  I might have freezer burn on my scalp from yesterday's ride.  I wore a scarf over my face, but I had nothing to block the air from coming through the holes in the bike helmet.  Super-fast, concentrated cold air hurts!  Next time I will wear a bandanna under my helmet.

While I hide from the cold inside, I'll be brushing up on my computer skills.  I have developed an obsession with Python and Django since I started using them at work.  The Google app engine also favors these (as a Java alternative), so as I work with them at home, I do so with Google tools.

Clearing mental cobwebs

In order to move forward, it helps to have a clear mind.  Sometimes old memories can snag current perceptions, causing me to become distracted as though I were trying to remember something I was supposed to do.  A quick 15 to 20 minute conscious meditation can clear the fog by sorting through old memories, goals, dreams, and wishful thinking.

Start by taking a few moments to let your mind wander.  If you are feeling very stressed out, it's likely that you will find something to annoy you soon enough.  When you do, hold the aggravating thought in your mind.  While holding onto this problem thought, let go of your reality and give all control to your imagination.  Now anything is possible, and stress does not exist here.  Don't try to treat the problem with a real world solution.  You can imagine the worst possibility, and then follow that up with a miraculous recovery.  Remember, this doesn't have to be realistic.  It's a subconscious way of letting go of the anger that holds the problem to you.  When you let go of the irritation of the problem, even for just a split second of imagining, the freedom you find from stress can let in a lot of energy that will help you solve it for real later.

I've tried the type of meditation where I clear my mind of all thoughts.  I usually get sleepy or bored.  I find guided meditations are more relaxing and invigorating.  Sometimes I get recurring dreams about some old memory that I thought I had dealt with.  By reliving the memory in a more lucid state, I can finish what my dreaming mind started and get some lasting closure on old doubts or worries which are no longer relevant.  I'm still clearing my mind, but in a controlled manner that helps organize the clutter.

Lately I have been trying to think of another 30-day trial activity to do that will help me the most, but I'm still coasting on the invigorating energy I have gained from my transition to Primal Blueprint.  Clearing out some mental cobwebs helps me from sinking back into old patterns and keep my momentum going in a positive direction.  I have a tendency to want to start 500 different things at once, so meditation is a good way to filter out distraction and pace myself.  If I do this enough, I might even be able to find mental peace and quiet one day.

Has your groundhog seen a shadow?

I would say that this Groundhog day, I saw my financial shadow looming over me.  I have been following a plan of break-neck speed to pay off my student loans.  It finally occurred to me that if I hold back some of that cash for personal projects I can benefit greatly from learning and accomplishing new things instead of just waiting out the debt.  By personal projects I mean gardening, building renewable energy systems, and reinvesting in what I have rather than just buying random things like music and movie tickets to pass the time.  I believe that to successfully utilize reinvestment, I have to be professional about how I spend my time and effort.  I am not throwing my time into useless hobbies, but instead investing in health and sustainability practices and sharing the knowledge I gain along the way with others.  Sure I'm delaying my student loan payoff by 14 months, but that's only costing me an extra $300 in interest versus my previous payoff date.  That's less than a dollar a day for a better quality of life!

To aid in my quest for personal growth, I am going to be following Steve Pavlina's guide to creating a business plan.  I could also use a refresher on self-discipline by rereading his series about that.  Following the Primal Blueprint has given me a head start in motivation for homesteading and a thorough work out in self-discipline.  Now that I have given myself permission to reinvest in my life, the only challenge is to decide to spend my time on meaningful action instead of brooding about how much work it's going to be.

Identify the shadows in your life and shed some light on solving problems you have been putting off.  You can't hide from them forever.

Give the gift of freedom (from debt)

The Undebt Gift

Instead of getting a giftcard to a store, give a cash gift and state that it must be used to pay down debt on top of what the recipient is already paying on their debt. If they are truly trying to get out of debt, they will appreciate this far more than flowers or DVDs.  It doesn't matter how much is given -- it could be $1000 or $15.  Just be sure to include a handwritten note that explains that you give them debt relief out of respect for their financial freedom, not pity.  Since it is just cash, you have to go that extra mile to make it personally significant.  You can still give them another gift, but the debt relief will be a gift of freedom.